Finally Someone's.....

A friend of mine is in Ghana today. She is there to spend time with two boys who are very near to the hearts of my family. (And the hearts of any other family who has spent time with them!) These two boys have been the source of many sleepless nights around here. I often wondered if I just shouldn't have agreed when a very serious 12 year old boy asked me to promise that I would try to find him a family. Considering the odds of two teenage boys actually getting adopted, that has been a very heavy weight to bear. For 2 years, it seemed hopeless. I was so desperate that I actually emailed 30-something churches just to ask if anyone there would be interested in adopting 2 boys! Not a single one replied.

The first attempt at social media didn't go over well either. But eventually, something happened. A wonderful lady had the idea to start a Facebook page specifically for waiting children who had no agency to advocate for them. On this page, detailed info could be shared with families. Info that I wasn't comfortable posting openly all over the internet. People started caring for children they never met. Some wonderful people started very actively advocating for the boys.

And then one day...

By 'chance', the right family happened to find these boys. Their sons.

I am just thrilled thinking of those two teenage boys who finally have a 'mum'. I am so thankful for the amazing family who was willing to take a chance on two older boys. I will be eternally grateful that I will never have to get another text begging me to not forget.

I will never have to answer the phone again to hear, "Please, will someone come for us?"

My sleep comes much easier these days.

Since I have been thinking about this family constantly, it has reminded me of what my time was like when I first met my kids in Ghana. While it was beautiful and rewarding, it was not quite as rosy as some people would paint it out to be. I always intended to put it all out there, but didn't have much internet access while in Ghana. By the time I got home a few weeks later, it just seemed irrelevant. But, it's not.

So.... I've found my journal. And I'll be writing about the true story of meeting my kids soon. Hopefully it will be insightful for people who are nearing that stage in their adoption process.

Stay tuned.....

Why I'm So Boring....

It's no secret. I am getting rather boring in my old age. (I recently turned *gulp* 30!!!) I am almost always at home. People generally don't even bother inviting me out anymore, because I rarely actually go!

So... Saturday evening, I was shopping at Kohls. The kids were at home. When I was finished shopping, I had a wild idea to just not go home yet. The night was young- I could go meet up with some friends who were out! I mean, I was already dressed! (Well, my hair did NOT look spectacular on said day. BUT- I was dressed, bra, shoes and everything!) I tried to get myself all pumped up about the idea of going out- and I drove home.

It was already 10pm, so I told the kids to get undressed & ready for bed. When I went to tuck Konto in, he asked me to sleep with him for awhile. He explained: "Me, sometimes I get scary in the evening." So, I laid down with him. He threw his arm around me, gave me a few kisses, then snuggled as close as humanly possible. I thought. Everytime I thought he was about to suffocate, he'd get closer!!! I ended up laying (very uncomfortably) for 2 hours with a (very big) 9 year old boy completely wedged up under me!!

I finally got out of the stranglehold, and moved back far enough to watch him sleep for awhile. I started thinking about the orphanage. How he'd gone to sleep every single night for over 5 years with no goodnight hug. Just doesn't seem right. Then I started thinking about two friends of his who are still at the orphanage. Two teenage boys who are finally being adopted. I just can't wait for them to get home. I can just picture their new mommy, leaning over two big ol' teenage boys, tucking them in for the first time, and giving them the first goodnight kiss they've had in a decade. Telling them 'I love you.' Maybe it will the first time they ever remember hearing those words. I just can't wait! I'm sure people are gonna think she's a crazy momma for choosing such old boys. But- they have no idea how lucky she is!!

Anyways- When I was done pondering these things, I decided to get in my own bed . It was midnight. I left Konto's room- only to find my daughter, Malorie, (wearing her slip as a nightgown) standing there with big, sad eyes. She felt left out, & wanted to know if I still had time to lay down with her. Of course. So off we went to her room...

It was after 1am when I finally made it to my own room! Same time I probably would've made it home had I gone out with friends. And while I'm sure my time at home was far more 'boring' than the bar- I'm okay with that. I like this kind of boring, and I wouldn't miss it for the world!

(*Side note- I did make it out Sunday night for (almost) a full 2 hours! But I came home promptly at 9pm to read a book about a very macho hamster named Fluffy. This is a glamorous life I lead! )

The Anticlimactic Sequel....

Today was the day. Konto (my son) would be required to personally explain to his soccer coach exactly why he would be missing soccer for the next 2 weeks. (My new co-op friends just thought I was joking when I said I was a VERY mean mama. I wasn't.)

I went to bed last night imagining how awful this day would go. I imagined it would be similar to the DC Airport Incident. (On our trip home from Africa. Konto was mad that it was taking so long. So, he decided to leave. He ignored my warnings to come back. I had to physically carry him back to the boarding area and hold him down.)

He is MUCH bigger now. I pictured me insisting that he talk to the coach, and him walking off. I then pictured myself chasing him down and attempting to carry him back to the car. Could I carry him while he's kicking? What would I do if I couldn't? Ask for help? 'Can you help me stuff this black kid in my minivan please?'

...All valid concerns I assure you.

But the day started out pretty good, to my relief. Konto was his regular charming self. His first task of the day was to admit to his sisters that he took their candy, and apologize. Confession is NOT his strong point! I held my breath & listened from the other room...

I heard him clear his throat and begin, "Attention everyone. I have some bad news and some good news...   ...Actually, there is no good news. I took all of your candy. I'm sorry."

Wow. That was easy. I decided to keep the whole day low-key. Homeschool is pretty convenient like that. We opted to build an outside playpen for our rabbit instead.

When the time came for soccer practice, he got pretty quiet. On the way there, he asked what he should say. He insisted that his team was going to be 'so mad of him for not helping to win the games'. I explained that bad decisions almost always affect more than just yourself.

At the field, he got out and walked to his coach- who asked how he was going to play in blue jeans. Konto didn't speak. I told the coach that my son had something to say. And he did. He said, "Sorry, I can't play soccree..." That was it. Forget that we rehearsed it several times in the car. The coach began guessing... "Are you hurt? Are you in trouble?..." To which Konto turned his back and replied, "The second one."

So, that was it. He was supposed to offer an explaination without waiting for the coach to guess. He kinda got bailed out, because he was about to start crying. I kinda hate that. (Again, mean mom. I know. And I'm okay with that.) But I wanted him to be embarrassed. Getting caught is embarrassing in real life. Just look at the Jailbirds magazine! Enough said! But- it is what it is.

So, the day was far less eventful than I imagined. I guess that's a good thing.

The Hard Day...

Well, this post should be an interesting change of scenery, if nothing else. My updates on our family's
adjustment have pretty much been all sunshine and butterflies. I never expected that, because I am a big fan of transparency. I started my blog so that other people could get a realistic look at the timeline for Ghanaian adoption, and to document the realistic struggles that many times face parents who adopt older children.

But the reality was- we didn't have enough attachment drama to warrant a post. The kids settled in nicely. We geniunely love them. They have always actually felt like our kids, not like we were babysitting someone else's kids...

I had planned on giving some insight to future adoptive parents who (like I once did) rely on the internet for
some bit of truth as to what the future may hold. Because people need to be prepared for not only the joy of
adoption, but also the hard part. However, I almost feel like I can offer no advice or authentic picture of
life after adoption, because ours too closely resembles a fairy tale. I'm pretty sure I set expectations far
too high when discussing adoption with anybody.

But today was real. It was one of those days I spent so many months trying to prepare for. It was hard.

A little history: Several months ago, we realized that our little boy (9) was taking candy without asking. He
was hiding in his room eating about 50 pieces of chocolate at one time. When confronted, he would boldly look me in the eye and promise that he didn't do it. And he was convincing. I even fell for it once! This same
situation played out several times, each with a more severe punishment.

The last time, however, was a little different. I had found another stash of wrappers. I didn't confront him
though. I went quietly to my room, prayed, read my Bible, and wrote an outline of what to say. Amazingly, it
was easy. All those verses I had memorized as a child came back to my mind. And in order! Verses about lying, trustworthiness, temptation, the power to overcome, obedience, and forgiveness. (Note to self: start making kids memorize scripture ASAP!) (Disclaimer: No, I'm not one of those awesome Christian moms. We don't do a daily Bible study. I forget to read my Bible almost every day. And I don't know who Beth Moore(?) is.)

So... I called Konto to his room for a talk. We read verses together. I explained them. I told him that if he
ever messed up and wanted to confess to me, Daddy, and God- we would forgive him. There would still be
consequences, but forgiveness as well.

To my surprise- he immediately said he was sorry. He tried to stop himself. He tried to tie himself to the bed
so he wouldn't do it....

He then started pulling out ALL of his secret stashes.

I. Had. No. Idea.

Boxes, an old soccer duffle bag, a hippo Stuffie, socks, mattress, Transformer truck....
Finally, he pulled out his double barrel Nerf shotgun. Both barrels were packed. Like, he had used a stick to
compact the wrappers. There had to be 30-40 in each barrell!!

Anyways- after said confession. I thought that was all. We explained exactly what the punishment would be
should this happen again. (But of course it won't! This is a fairy tale, right?!!)

Fast forward to today. One of the girls let us know that her candy collection had been depleted. Konto (again) denied any responsibility for the crime. He very convincingly told me, "I promise Mommy. I haven't take any since the other time, because I don't want to miss soccer. I promise." Of course I believed him. Soccer is his one true love. He'd never do anything to jeopardize that!!

Humph.
It was the Hippo Stuffie again. Along with one barrel of the shotgun. My husband and I discussed it until the
end of the day. We came up with the exact perimeters of his punishment. When he came into his room, he
continued lying until I produced Exibit A.

The Stuffie.

He had nothing more to say. He turned to face the wall and refused to answer our questions. As we began going over the punishment, he kept trying to push me out of the way & walk out of the room. He got mad that he couldn't get past me. Then, it started.

The angry cry.

And then, the part I spent almost 2 years preparing for:


"I just want to go home!!!!!"


Nope. All that preparing, and I still wasn't quite ready to hear that.
Although, I'm pretty tough. My feelings are not hurt. I didn't get mad. And it won't keep my up tonight. But- it does make me wonder what he's hiding within himself. It's not too much different from when I was young & in trouble. I often cried and shouted how I want to run away. I really just wanted to hurt my parents' feelings for punishing me. It just caught me off guard when he said 'home'.

We make it no secret that Ghana is a part of us all. We talk almost every day about how we want to go back to Ghana. The difference- he had never referred to Ghana as home.

I tried to gently remind him that he was home now. He said that he was 'just at some place'. I don't believe he believes that. I really don't. I think he was just mad and hurting- and wanting, in turn, to hurt us.

Yet, I wonder. What all is there that I can't see? He insisted that he wanted to be alone to think. "About
what?" I ask. He only says, "I can't told you. I'm not allowed to." We have this exact same conversation
every time he is mad. Not entirely sure what that's about. I assume that he doesn't yet feel the liberty to yell
'I hate you!' I'll take it.

He finally cooled down. We watched Star Trek together. I tucked him in. As anticipated, he didn't return my 'I love you', as he has been doing this month. But he quietly stroked my face & fell asleep.


Unfortunately, I feel like this is the calm in the middle of the storm. Tomorrow will be his first missed
soccer practice. I don't expect that to go well. At all.


Time will tell...

The First Year...

As we have determined in the past, I am a slack blogger. I failed to post my one-year report. Who does that? Everybody has their one-year post! So, here it is:


As of October 29th, we have been a family of 5 for a full year!!



Seems like it was days ago when we stepped off of that airplane. We were tired after trying to get home for over 30 hours. We were cold because we had gotten dressed in Africa, and flew home into some freak winter storm in October. We were stinky because I didn't pack enough pull-ups for a 30+ hour trip. I had to hold Serwaa in my lap on the last flight because she was so tired she kept falling & hitting her head on the seat in front of her. She peed on me, but I was too tired to bother changing either one of us into our emergency dresses that I kept in my carry on. The kids were too exhausted to speak to anyone when we got to the airport (and lacked the English to do so anyways).... Yep. Seems like yesterday.

But- it's been a full year! And although it seems to have flown by, it also seems that they've always been part of our family.


General Updates:

Serwaa & Konto are now fluent in English, even to the point of forgetting their first language. (Which is
something we are trying to stop!) They eat most American food, although they still cook Ghana's food quite often. They are working hard in school. (Neither of them could read at all upon coming to the US. I'm not sure why, because most of their friends who have been adopted could read. Serwaa knew all of the letters, but not their sounds. Konto didn't even know all of the letters.) They have melted into our family easily, and really enjoy being around our huge extended family.


Physical Updates:

In this year, both kids have grown an amazing amount.

Oct 30, 2011

Nov 29, 2012

When I traveled to Ghana to pick the kids up, Konto was still so small. All of his clothes were size 4t & 5t. And they fit. He is now in size 10/12. His shoes were size 1 & 2. Now they are 4. Serwaa was in size 7/8. Now she is in 12/14. Her shoes were size 2. She is now fits in my shoes.


Serwaa is still wetting the bed. But- her doctor has verified that it is not the result of any kind of abuse. In the beginning, I was putting pull ups on both of the kids. (Konto had insisted he needed them.) However, he eventually admitted that he just liked how soft they were!


They've both gained a huge amount of weight, lost several teeth, and have grown several inches.


Emotional Updates:

Now the part that other adoptive families (especially of older kids) always ask. Bonding, attachment and
general emotional health.

Overall, the whole emotional part has been 100 times easier than I could've imagined. I know we could never get this lucky again.

I'll start with Serwaa. (11 years old) She has always been easy. Her culture taught her to be loving and affectionate. (To the point of leaving me with no personal space!) She still holds my hand when we go shopping alot. (Sadly, I kinda unintendingly discouraged that. At first, both kids would hold my hand non-stop when we went out. Of course, I couldn't shop with no hands, so I had to pull away alot. Not sure how I could've avoided that, (other than spontaneously growing extra arms) but I wish I could go back & let them be clingy all they wanted before they grew out of it!) Anyways, Serwaa showers me with hugs and kisses all day long. She can make prolonged eye contact easily. (Something I was never good at, so I have to be very careful not to discourage it too!) She somewhat allows herself to be comforted by me when she is hurt. (She doesn't come to me for comfort, I go to her. But- she allows herself to be held and consoled.) She struggles a little to say 'I love you'. She can do it, but sometimes it's a very soft delayed reaction. (For instance, I tell the girls I love them when I'm tucking them in. Serwaa often waits until I shut the door, then responds 'I love you too, mommy'.) Other days though, she will just come and tell me she loves me. (But that isn't as common.) She expresses a great desire to go back to visit her friends and family in Ghana. She doesn't want to go back to stay. She just misses her friends, just like any child would. She talks to her friends in the orphanage every once in awhile. She hasn't really seemed to grieve. (Except when she realized her biological father was dead. She never knew him, but just the fact that he was not alive somewhere made her sad.) She seems to have a sense of belonging here. She has mostly released her motherly role to me. (She doesn't try to be Konto's mom now. Although she will still sometimes stand by when we are disciplining (talking) to Konto.  We have to gently remind her that we can take care of it, and dismiss her.) She is very obedient and respectful. She is a great sister, and very easy to get along with. Of course, I can't read her mind, but her attachment seems pretty great.



Now Konto. Konto has also always been pretty easy to get along with. In fact, if I hadn't read so much dang literature on attachment- I would say it was perfect! He is also semi-affectionate. I think part of that he has just grown out of. He is, after all, a boy. He used to hold my hand everday, hug me every 5 minutes, and tell me he loves me 'soooooo much' at night. Not to mention want to be carried around 24 hours a day. But now, not so much.



He actually reminds me SO much of myself as a child now. I remember my mom telling me that I was like hugging a board! (I loved my mom & dad, just wasn't an affectionate child at all!) I was VERY uncomfortable saying 'I love you'. And I didn't like holding hands in the parking lot.



Konto almost never says I love you anymore. I think it is a very uncomfortable thing for him to say. He usually stands stiff like a board when I hug him. However, he does like to snuggle during movies. He still likes to be carried around- but only if I offer to carry him. He doesn't ask anymore. He is able to make eye contact, but not maintain it. It usually only lasts about a second at a time. Also, he doesn't normally allow me to comfort him. For instance, if he falls in the driveway, I will go to him. When I try to sit him up to look at his cut, he pulls away. He also won't allow me to hug him when he's hurt. Same thing when he is upset. I will try to hold him, but he won't let me. He doesn't want to be consoled. He usually eventually lets me hold him- but only after he's quit fighting (physically & emotionally). Once he finds the courage to say what is really wrong (not the fake reason he finds to cry-like his room is boring), he will relax his body so that I can hold him. (And I'm not talking major meltdowns like most people would picture. Just simple, rare nights where he is fussy and doesn't want to be consoled.) Konto is a very happy boy, but he does grieve more than Serwaa. Mostly- he misses his friends. They were like his brothers. He knew them almost his whole life. He's always had 'brothers'. And now, he is the only boy. He asks almost every night if we can 'get him a brother'. He hates having his own room because he is lonely. He also can't wait to go back and visit Ghana, but at the same time, he doesn't want to have to say goodbye again. He feels like he abandoned them. At first, he didn't want to make friends here. He felt like he was betraying his old friends. That must be so hard on such a young boy- constant feelings of guilt and betrayal. It makes me sad for him. But- he is amazingly strong. You would never know by being around him how much loss he has suffered in his short life.


And last but not least: Malorie. People also often worry about how adoption will affect the children already in their home. I'm no different. I went through the whole 'what have I done' panic attack on the way to Africa the last time. Was it fair to jeopardize the life of  'my' child? Now I realize how silly that was. Yes, it could've been worse. It may get worse. Our new children could've had major trauma and attachment issues. It could've been hard. Very hard. But- making life harder doesn't neccessarily mean making life worse for our first children. After all, an easy life doesn't always breed better children anyways.

We are thankful that we haven't had to deal with some of the really tough stuff that many families do. That's not to say that it hasn't affected Malorie though. Much like giving birth to a 2nd bio kid does. Malorie is jealous sometimes. She misses it just being me & her sometimes. She would miss that no matter how we added another child to our family. So yes, she's lost some. But she's gained alot more. She would never admit it- but Serwaa is her best friend. They do argue alot, but not as much as I did with my brothers. They dress like twins alot. They bathe together. They do secret handshakes....


Malorie's capacity to love has grown. She looks out for her brother and sister. She really does love them. Many nights I hear her voice floating through the air. I just have to smile. She's telling Serwaa bedtime stories again. Whale stories. (Like on Finding Nemo. She speaks whale. It's loud. It's kind of annoying while I'm trying to go to sleep. The girls love it.)


So that about sums it up. It's been one good year. I'm looking forward to the rest of them. We are so thankful for our 3 beautiful children!!!

Konto's Birthday...

I know, I know! Slackest blogger EVER!! Sorry! But, last but not least in our string of seemingly back-to-back birthdays was Konto. This poor guy waited FOREVER for his birthday. In fact, I went to Ghana on Oct 20th last year to pick him up. At that time, we hadn't determined a birthday for him. (Between all of the 'birthdates' on his legal paperwork, we had several to choose from!) It wasn't until several months into him being home that we decided on an age & birthday to give him. So, he was pretty much with us a full year before getting a birthday. He waited so patiently.

When it was finally his turn, he was so excited! First, he picked out his invitations. He looked for a good half hour before deciding on an invitation. At last, he said he found the PERFECT invitations. He proudly held
them up for me to read: "You're Invited. 1st Birthday!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him it was for a baby. He was just too happy. He wanted everyone to know that it was his first birthday he had ever had. (I did, however, talk him out of getting the pretty pink '1st
Birthday' invitations to mail to the girls.)

We had his party at a house/party rental place with a basement full of toys and games. It was awesome. He loved the presents, and he loved the attention!

For his birthday, he asked his sisters to cook for him. So, Malorie made his cake. Serwaa made jollaf and
salad. And of course, we ordered pizza.

I can't believe he's already another year older!! When we first fell in love with this guy, he was '5 years old' (according to the paperwork). So hard to believe that he's 9!

So....

9 Things Konto has grown out of this year that I already miss:

1. Chanting whenever he wants something to happen

2. Asking to be held all day, every day

3. Calling Serwaa 'Maame Yaa'

4. Breaking into dance on a daily basis

5. Using the word 'buttocks' for bottom, end, butt, trunk...

6. Speaking Twi

7. Using only red, yellow and green crayons

8. Asking 'Is it true?' about everything (statues, talking veggie cartoons...)

9. Responding 'Thursday' when asked for his birthday

And one random story: A couple weeks ago, someone asked his name. After responding, he turned his back to the lady. I asked why. He said, "I was afraid she will ask me how old am I. And I didn't remember, so I turned around." And he doesn't remember most of the time. Neither does Serwaa. They never had to. I think it's kinda awesome that, in their culture, age really doesn't matter. Something can be learned here...

Malorie's 12th Birthday...

So sad. My baby girl is already 12. She's in MIDDLE school. I'm not even gonna say 'where did the time go?', because that'll just make me sound old. I am a little bummed that she's growing up so quick.


But, I gotta say- she's a good one. On her birthday, I took Malorie, Serwaa, Konto, and 2 friends to get some frozen yogurt. There was a TV in the yogurt place, so the kids could watch while eating. Half-way through our time there, I heard Malorie say, "Hey guys, mom doesn't like this show." (About 2 years ago, I had told Malorie that I didn't want her to watch this particular show.) So, my kids all sat there with their heads down, making sure they didn't look up at the TV! I was so proud. (I know, I know. I can't always be this lucky. It will probably come. I'm just enjoying it while it lasts!)

Malorie had a great birthday. She made her own cake. She had a friend and cousin over to spend the night. Most of the kids stayed up til 3am. I am super lucky to have such a great 12 year old! (Who unfortunately is turning out to be quite gorgeous. This is gonna be trouble eventually....)